Cap'n Crook's Blog

Just your typical May weather in the mid-atlantic region.

Weather

5.) "I set the building on fire." (Milton, Office Space).

4.) "Do you expect me to talk?" (James Bond)

     "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." (Goldfinger)

3.) "3,000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax. You're god-damn right I'm living in the fucking past!" (Walter Sobczak, The Big Lebowski)

2.) "I find your lack of faith disturbing." (Darth Vader, Star Wars IV: A New Hope)

1.) Typing it alone does not do it justice. See below.

Let's face it. I've become a Vox delinquent. It was only over a week ago I was "tagged" by Amy, and only now am I producing my list of 8 habits that separate me from the rest of the species.

1.) Whenever watching television, I will always flip to a different station to solely avoid the commercials. The worst is always during football on a Sunday or Monday night.

• Punt
• Commercial
• 1st down
• 2nd down - timeout
• commercial
• 3rd down - coach's challenge
• commercial
• 4th down - FG
• commercial
• kickoff return
• commercial

2.) I was born in Texas, moved to New Jersey before my 1st birthday, resided in Jersey for the next 22 years, then moved & have lived in Pennsylvania for the last 5 years. From those who've told me, I possess no sign of a single dialect.

3.) I've come to believe that there's the conventional, common sense way of doing things...and then there is Cappy's way. You name a scenario, and I come up with an off-the-wall approach or solution that makes no sense whatsoever. I'm that guy.

4.) In reference to #3, I read multiple books at a time, instead of reading one book from beginning to end. Talk about quirky.

5.) If I have a CD on in the car, which is usually 98% of the time, I won't get out of the car until the present song has completed. OCD? What's that?

6.) Bills are ALWAYS mailed on Saturdays. If I receive my electric bill on Monday, it's guaranteed to sit on my table for the next few days.

7.) At the grocery store, the shopping cart is never turned around in the same aisle, but is forever kept in a forward position, with left or right turns upon a new aisle.

8.) My palette has no use for watery, domestic beer. The line in the sand is drawn somewhere near Yuengling.

On this overcast dreary Monday morning, what is the first thing I noticed on the floor inside my cubicle? Not necessarily mother's little helper, but a Vivarin instead. Recently, the engineering department moved over to my building, leading me to the conclusion that coffee, alone, is not strong enough for the lead software engineer who now sits adjacent to me. If only it was valium.

What does Darth Vader say? "All too easy." Seriously, cover your ears.

Cdm

It's no secret that Karaoke to the Death is well-known in the Cappy inner-circle. Only two members of the family compete annually; no wait, one (being yours truly). But there are two others in the Family Crunch whom I dread more than grim death, for their (non)-singing skills make a feline in heat sound pleasant. I will literally be forced into retirement if either one of them decides to become a contestant for future KttDs.

Sister Cap'n dropped an audio greeting via voicemail with an invitation to her Cinco de Mayo party next weekend to the tune of "Copacabana," but with C.d.M. connotations. That's right. Hum that forgetful 70s hogwash and replace the words with, "At my party, there will be cervasa...yeah, lots of cervasa." I'm here to tell all the people that there is someone out there more tone-deaf than Emma Peel. Is there a tech-savvy soul out there who knows how to convert a voicemail to .wav format from a cell phone? I have my big brother status to uphold.

I don't know what's so taboo about my previous post. Apparently, Vox is none too pleased with that since they don't consider it an "update" to the blog. I thought April Fool's Day was yesterday.

HOLLYWOOD (CC) - In a stunning turn of events, the US government has ok'd a request by NBC to produce a new Reality-TV show dubbed, "Hail to Your Chief," where contestants will vie for the right to assume the role of, none other than, the commander-in-chief! Beginning on January 20, 2013, a total of 365 average Joe's & Jane's will spend one day in the same chair as Rutherford B. Hayes (just to name one obscure President), bowl in the White House basement (ala Richard Nixon), and sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom up until inauguration day of the following year. Of course, they will also face the challenge of cooperating with Congress, the Supreme Court, and dealing with foreign affairs...just to name a few of those copious tasks.

The idea was pitched towards the GE-owned media company, surprisingly, by our current president, George W. Bush.

"Day in & day out for the last 8 years, I've had to deal with a shitload of good, honest, hard-working Americans telling me they could run the country better than yours truly. Therefore, I emulated the actions of my superior, Jebus Christmas, and turned sewage water into sparkling white wine. Lest you forget, I graduated with honors from Ivy League University."

Presidential turnover will commence at 9:00am, daily. Additionally, the families of each president will accompany the main wo(man) at the White House.

"People often underestimate the value of a first lady," remarked Barbara Bush [wife of 41st president George H.W. Bush]. "Every time my husband came back from Nicaragua, he gave off the impression of a puddle-of-mud facsimile. That was usually my call to whip up some chocolate chip cookies."

Competition to fill the required 365 slots is sure to be stiff, and most likely, violent. An NBC spokeswoman expounded upon the challenge of whittling down the number of contestants leading up to inauguration day. "We're anticipating somewhere between 15 to 20 million people wanting a chance to live at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for a day. That is why filming will begin this fall, and continue all the way through spring of 2012. Whoever wins the presidency this November could be flying under the radar, possibly to his/her benefit.

"Fortunately, we're still abiding by the law and allowing entry to only those in the 35+-age demographic. Also, past presidential candidates are banned. We don't have the mental capacity to deal with the likes of Lyndon LaRouche, Steve Forbes, or Ralph Nader. But we're all excited here at NBC. For the first 4 years, we'll elect one "president" per episode, which is only half the fun. THEN, the winners step into the spotlight for 24 hours. Think about this scenario: a city bus driver negotiating a Middle East Peace Conference in Jordan. Or a city planner giving us The State of the Union Address."

Your first suspicion is usually the correct one: Crunchy has been AWOL due to a severe lack of laughter and joy. For the past week, I've attempted to incorporate some alternative therapy to relieve the melancholia going around. I may have gone a little overboard with the Mel Brooks marathon.