Cap'n Crook's Blog

Stonewalled, And Not By Jackson

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 17:25:22 -0800

Worst Feeling in the World #6

The gift you shop for, online, is the wrong gift. Amazon.com should expect a some bacillus anthracis or canine flu as a return gift at the end of this week. I'm nice that way.

So now I'm scrambling to order the correct gift + return the non-requested P.O.S. Gotta love the holidays.

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Don't Be Too Proud Of This Technological Terror You've Constructed.

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 20:49:06 -0800

Seriously, there are days like today where I wish I'd flunked out of school and earned my living as a roofer. Sure the job isn't as glamourous, the pay is about 1/2 of what I'm bringing in now, and those hot summer days aren't the most pristine when you need a cold wet cloth wrapped around your neck for 8 hours straight. But there's a certain reward I'm not feeling at the moment with my current job. Take for instance this morning's 4-hour training module on yet another business software package to streamline our data management.

I know I sound like a luddite malcontent who's happy with his John Hancock signatures and white folders containing the batch records. What doesn't make me happy, or productive for that matter, is having to input my user ID and password every time I have to navigate from one page to the next. Or to fill in one more cell in Microsoft Excel. Don't even get me started on Office 2007. To call it a Piece of ShitTM is an understatement, and I swear it's Bill Gates flipping everyone the bird. Anyway, I've had to create a spreadsheet just to remind me of the 15 different combinations of User IDs and Passwords I've accrued. Yes, the combos just keep on growing as we're handed more web pages for our daily needs. Throw in the 21 CFR 11 (it's cited somewhere in the FDA) regulations about how passwords must be changed every 90 days, and the result is an employee constantly walking and talking like StrongMad.

Strong Mad

I haven't decided whether to rename the company I work for as Ancient Rome or The Galactic Empire. If it's Ancient Rome, we're situated somewhere in Northwest Gaul always feeling inferior to the guys in Southwest Italy. We used to be this fully-functioning autonomous collective who, more or less, felt satisfied in our jobs. If we're situated a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, well we're just another Bespin. Now that the Empire is here, they run the show.

This is where colonialism always fails. You must dilute your concentrated strength to stabilize your outermost, remote colonies. So what they do is occasionally send representatives to train us with their deep-rooted philosophies and why advanced technology is always the solution. Lord Vader was a bit of a dissenter if you ask me. He didn't necessarily buy into all of the bureaucracy's cheap talk about bigger, faster, stronger.

Getting "Force"-ful

Look, I understand our organization is probably constructing a planet destroyer very similar to the Death Star. I've got no problem with motives. It's either you're with us or against us. I get all that. But what I don't get are the endless symposiums that waste our time and prevent us from doing our regular jobs. The last thing any stormtrooper cares about is giving back to the Empire. All he's paid to do is safeguard his master or other superiors against rebel scum. He's not there to ensure a star destroyer is fully functional.

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Feast Week: Monday-Tuesday

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:53:53 -0800

Given the fact I need to work extra time tomorrow evening, added on to a previous engagement, tonight will be a 2-for-1 special. These days, I only have enough dedication to blog for a consecutive week when it concerns a matter of utmost importance. I think it's safe to say we're all thankful for a 3-day work/school week. Strike that. Who in their right mind will be working their fingers to the bone past 3pm on Wednesday? Non-Americans not included.

Before I drone on any further, I have to correct myself and mention this list isn't necessarily just made up of depravities. For instance, the first component on tonight's menu is coffee. Plain and simple. For the longest time, I abstained from this morning delicacy until my junior year of college. Now I'm pretty much an addict, save for the IV needle. It would behoove my employers to write an annual check to Juan Valdez.

Second on tonight's list is simply: pie. I hope this doesn't come as a surprise. I've always been a proponent of pie. Warm and soft with a slightly creamy taste. Well, all pies don't require a cream additive. But at the same time, it doesn't hinder the taste, either. You can safely assume I'll be face deep in pie later on this week. A decadent dessert men and women all over the world can agree on.

Slice of Nice

Led Zeppelin - Custard Pie

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Feast Week: Sunday

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:49:00 -0800

I'm sure this isn't an original idea by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, I'm sure throughout grade school around this time of year, teacher would always ask us to write down 5 things we're thankful for during Thanksgiving week. Now I'm not gonna bore you with the predictable answers like "family" and "good health." Boring. We know we're all thankful for the vices in our society. Remember when Donald Sutherland ("Professor Jennings") posed the question in National Lampoon's Animal House?

"Was [John] Milton trying to tell us that being bad was more fun than being good?"

Naturally. Because vices keep us from killing ourselves once we discover we're not going to change the world. Don't misinterpret that last sentence as "Kill thy neighbor." After all, we do live in a society of "laws." No, this is, more or less, a list of vices that won't necessarily send me to jail or the gas chamber. Only Saint Peter may raise both eyebrows when he's scrolling through my book of (mis)-deeds when the time arrives.

The first on the list is alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems.

poster

Best part about alcohol is an easy scapegoat. It's not around to raise an argument, only to kill brain cells and liver cells. That's a fair trade-off if you ask me. Eh...the morning-after hangovers I'm not so keen on. However, the proper prevention can be achieved with a mixture of: excedrin, water, and thorough tooth-brushing. I only learned that a couple of years ago.

George Thorogood I Drink Alone

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Try To Understand

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 16:31:41 -0700

Why do I always think of these things at the last minute? M. & I will be in the city of brotherly love @ a Dead Milkmen show. *shut up, Crankypants*. I know you last saw them in the 80s. Anyways, here's the close-out to another brilliant Rocktober.

HEART-MAGIC MAN

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Don't Move Your Lips

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 13:49:40 -0700

Shit. Blogging from work. I know I'm in for it now. But, hell it's 4:45pm on a Friday. I think I can excuse myself this one time, even if nobody else here will. It's the weekend, and not only that, a Halloween weekend. It's time for some satanic, hedonistic, suggestive music.

Shake Your Hips ~ The Rolling Stones

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It Seems You're Having Some Trouble

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:57:41 -0700

In case you didn't know, allow me to reiterate that I'm full of surprises. You had me pegged for nothing but classic rock all week to round out Rocktober 2009. First of all, classic rock is evolving 24 hours a day. So where do you draw the line that's in constant motion? Shit, the classic rock stations in Philadelphia play Pearl Jam. PEARL JAM. Yes, that grunge band from Seattle who sang "Jeremy." Well, this selection is honor of a co-worker of mine who recently saw AC/DC last week. I'm convinced Bon Scott is alive and his soul inhabits the body of that certain co-worker. Every time I see him in the corridor, he acknowledges our connection with a simple "Oui, Oui, Oui!" Sigh, he's one of the few guys at work I get along with though. One of his other favorite bands going at the moment is Disturbed. So here's my salute to you, service technician man...Oui.

Disturbed - Down With The Sickness

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This Won't Help

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:12:38 -0700

I have this twisted obsession about, well, never mind the specifics. That's right, it's cryptic. Surprise, surprise. And if you have a problem with that, don't read any further. In fact, just leave. Anyway, this song I'm about to present to you will prolong the agony I'm already feeling. Because I love a challenge. Natch. And lastly, don't be misled by the title. It has nothing to do with fruit.

03 - The Lemon Song

Led Zeppelin

EDIT: "Chase Utley, you are THE MAN."
-Harry Kalas (always the voice of the Phillies)

Kashmir - Led Zeppelin

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Come On Baby, Don't Be Cold As Ice

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 15:52:45 -0700

Now here’s a pet peeve I’m sure we can all agree on: the constant attention seeker. You know the type. And let me preference this by using the German pronoun “seinen” when referring to he/she, since seinen represents both genders in the plural sense. Seinen goal in life is to focus your attention solely on them. I, on the other hand, don’t care one iota about attention. The only reason I’m even on board for a second helping of Rocktober is on the suggestion of an unknown associate, and nothing more. I happily obliged; and looking back, I’m glad I received the suggestion. Thank you very much sir/ma’am.

Moving on, after being alerted to read seinen blog once it was completed, I met it with absolutely no enthusiasm or indignation, which ruined seinen glee. Given seinen numerous improprieties (I’ll mention the front-runner issue in the next paragraph), I find the need to imitate yours truly the most disturbing. After all, isn’t imitation the sincerest form of flattery?

Flying Spagetti Monster knows I have no intention of imitating someone else. I’m very comfortable with my own interests, no matter how lame they may be. For instance, this deal with front-runnerism I mentioned before. What’s the deal with that? Most folks have an allegiance to one city when it comes to sports. Baseball – Phillies, Football – *Eagles (*officially on boycott until Michael Vick is released*), Hockey – Flyers, Basketball – yawn…zzzzzz. See how easy that is? But for the frontrunner, who suffers from said disorder, they must latch onto winners and declare themselves part of the bandwagon, even though they got on 60 stations too late. Usually the perpetrator that spawns these lepers is the team logo. Weaklings are mesmerized by the “star” of the Dallas Cowboys, or the navy blue Yankees cap. They people usually reside in decrepit cities like Pittsburgh, where everybody is a Steelers fan and nobody is a Pirates fan. Go figure, right? You’ll find more Red Sox and Yankees hats in Pittsburgh than you will Pirates hats. Unfortunately, I’ve been there, and I’ve witnessed the horror.

Anyway, I have pontificated enough about seinen modus operandi. I eagerly await seinen retaliatory “You’re the most retarded person on the face of the Earth” comment with baited breath. All it does is point out seinen insecurities. Oooh, and here's another one. Seinen comment must always be the last comment...always. In this case, I'll allow it to be seinen first & last.

Alright! Shall we rock? We’re only down to 5 more days. Speaking of which, my opposite number has launched a few pre-emptive artist selections I was saving for this last week. So to balance the scales, here’s my selection for October 27^th. This song stayed in the basement for over 10 years (Stu Sutcliffe and Pete Best were in the band!) until the foursome not only brought it to the surface…more specifically, they brought it to the rooftop for their final farewell.

09 - One After 909

The Beatles

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I Need A Drink Of Cool Rain

nobody@vox.com(Cap'n Crook) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:04:13 -0700

Judging by the calendar, I see we're in the week that matters most in Rocktober. Time to bring out the heavy artillery in the form of hair-raising vocals, electric guitar, synthesizer, and a one-minute drum solo for good measure. The next song is the perfect crescendo to the perfect album. Yes, I know my opinion counts for nothing.

Quadrophenia - Love, Reign O'er Me

The Who

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